I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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