my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
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I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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