guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
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he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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