Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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