i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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