How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize