I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
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Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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