You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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