Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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