If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
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and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
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I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Two words: nipple clamps
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