my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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