I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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