eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
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When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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