apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
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YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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