When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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