I faked an abortion last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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