Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize