He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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