i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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