I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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