how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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