I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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