I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
do nipples grow back?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize