There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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