you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
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Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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