He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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