I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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