So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
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I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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