He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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