Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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