you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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