can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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