then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
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I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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