Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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