Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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