would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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