Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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