After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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