I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize