the condom got lost in my hair
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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