happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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