and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
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She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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