i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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