sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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