There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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