I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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