Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just googled if crying burns calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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