Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
