Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
