me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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