He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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